


There's Monsters In Space And I'm Not Sure We're Not One Of Them

by Phantomlimb



Series: Merry Christmas, Here's Your Gift [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: And Kirk you deserve it, Cameo, Cinnamon Roll Papyrus, Comedy, Crack, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Dammit Jim, F/F, Happy, Humor, James T. Kirk Has Issues, Leonard McCoy is so done, M/M, One Shot, Spock is going to kill Kirk, this is a shitpost in a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 21:22:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5513744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantomlimb/pseuds/Phantomlimb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Enterprise has found itself exploring a strange planet called The Ruins, so the natives call it and Jim has been caught in a bad position and that's saying something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Monsters In Space And I'm Not Sure We're Not One Of Them

**Author's Note:**

> For Pudding,
> 
> This is something I can't believe I even came up with and I hope you love it as much as I love you. Now I refuse to get sappy and gay on a03 so read this shit already.
> 
> Love,   
> ShitLord

 

To say this week had been a shit storm would be an understatement.

 

“Why does he- _it- **they**_ keep trying to feed us spaghetti?” Ambassador John Mulaney of the planet Uradoise asked in sheer horror as Jim kept an eye on the _skeleton_ alien trying to boil water.

 

_ Good God, this planet’s spaghetti didn’t even look like it was made of the same stuff as Earth’s. _

 

“We could always shoot to stun and make a run for it?” Ensign Frisk proposed innocently before seeing Jim shoot them a glare.

 

“No, we are not doing that, _did you forget why we’re even here_ ,” Jim hissed, very professionally, like any Starfleet Captain would in this situation.

 

“And we’re back on our new show: **Do You Really Love Me And If So, What Are You Willing To Do For Me?”** Boomed an all too familiar voice before the _robot_ with pink eyelashes came into view.

 

“Captain, I don’t think I can keep eating more of this fellow’s food,” Mulaney murmured as he worriedly looked at the heaping of spaghetti Pap- _Papyrus_ was not cooking.

 

“Sir, with all due respect, you’re gonna eat everything that Alien puts in front of you oh so help me, _I’ll shove it down your throat myself,_ ” Kirk said through a fake smile as he waved to the camera that was briefly focused on them.

 

Mulaney seemed taken aback by his words but nonetheless said “Well, alrighty then.”

 

“So Papyrus, remind our fans how the show works,” the crazy robot asked.

 

“Well I’m a verified cook, something I excel at besides being the coolest dude around and capturing humans, of course. So Mettaton-”

 

“The _lovely_ Mettaton-” Mettaton interrupted the skeleton to say.

 

“Yeah! The lovely Mettaton contacted me and told me that I could come on T.V and cook food for people to eat, so I said yeah!” Papyrus chirped, clearly happy.

 

_God, this is fucked up,_ Jim thought to himself not for the first time.

 

“Right, as my adequately not-quite-as-lovely counterpart said, he cooks for strangers and his food has magic in it-”

 

“-Poison,” Frisk muttered.

 

“-Sooo powerful that after every bite and swallow, the strangers on the show feel compelled to tell a saucy little personal fact about themselves. Whoever has the most well liked secret wins and you can’t lie, we need authenticity,” Mettaton giggled, so hard that sparks came out of his metal mouth.

 

_ “Compelled-” _

 

“And if they don’t, we’ll kill First Officer Spock,” Mettaton boomed, still giggling as Spock was suddenly brandished forward in a metal cage.

 

“Compelled,” Kirk said firmly to Ambassador Mulaney as he swallowed nervously.

 

“And remember, Folks, Mr. Spock here is the prize because he’s the Captain’s true love, isn’t that right, Doctor Alphys?”

 

The little lizard like doctor was suddenly there with a spotlight on her as she stuttered “I _t’s-it’s uh true, we ran tests-”_

 

“ _I fail to understand what reliable and factual scientific test would determine true love-”_

 

“Y _eah!_ How do you know it’s true love?!” Kirk yelled to everyone’s unimpressed gaze.

 

“Mr. Spock and Mr. Kirk;  _no interrupting_ ,” Mettaton crooned.

 

The eyebrows of doom did not faze the robot and Kirk had to admit, he was almost impressed.

 

“Okay, Humans, it’s ready!” Papyrus, if memory serves, exclaimed as he slammed down a giant heaping of something that certainly wasn’t spaghetti.

 

_ “Oh God, I’m going to be sick-” _

 

“And on to round five!”

 

Yeah, this was the fifth time they were eating this crap and already Jim could feel his neck twinge, knowing that as soon as they left this God forsaken planet, Bones would be jabbing him with hypos.

 

Next to him, Kirk could see Ambassador Mulaney weeping silently while Ensign Frisk just stared at the spaghetti thing.

 

“We’re going to get food poisoning,” Mulaney whispered, eyes rimmed red and brewing with what Kirk recognized as the signs of oncoming mutiny.

 

“ ** _Pipe it and eat,”_** Kirk hissed before the camera came back into view.

 

“Okay, you three, you know how this works,” Mettaton purred.

 

They all nodded and Mulaney went first, lifting his fork with a trembling hand as he spun the noodle like _-oh God, they were worms._

 

He whimpered before he brought it close to his lips and announced loudly for all to hear “I once wore my girlfriend’s Star of David clip on earrings when we had sex on Hanukkah.”

 

He looked so sad as he swallowed down the worms and Jim ** _did.Not.Blame.Him._**

 

“S _picy,_ and did you steal David’s star or-”

 

“It’s a religious symbol that we completely defiled,” Mulaney explained curtly as he interrupted.

 

“Ah, spicy indeed. Okay, babycakes Frisk, you’re next-RIGHT AFTER THIS BREAK!”

 

“Oh God, I can’t believe I just did that, dear God,” the Ambassador cried out.

 

“Ambassador, stay strong, you must stay determined!” Frisk said before Mettaton called “And we’re back! Now tell me, Cutie, what have you done that everyone would frown upon?”

 

Frisk looked around nervously, the spotlight almost blinding them before in a very tiny voice, they said “I once stole a holo pen from a very mean peer of mine at the Academy and I never returned it,” before swallowing their bite of the inedible food.

 

Jim could hear the coos and awws ripping across the planet and on the Enterprise, **which was in fucking orbit** and he smacked himself in the face because how could he even compete with that?

 

Anything he said just sounded so decrepit, which wasn’t new since this was round five and already he was seen as a total nasty, which, for the record, _he wasn’t anymore_ since he became Captain.

 

Still some things were meant to go to the grave.

 

“Gosh darn it, you-you are so cute!!!”  Mettaton shrieked, almost shattering everyone’s eardrums.

 

Frisk blushed light yellow and said “Thank you.”

 

_This what you get when you fight for favoritism against a baby like Chekov, Kirk_ , Jim thought to himself.

 

“And now we’ll be taking a brief break-AND WE’RE BACK! Kirk, James T. _Blue Eyes Kirk, hi, hello,”_ Mettaton purred as he leaned over the table.

 

“Hi, Mettaton,” he sighed.

 

“So Kirk, Captain James T. Kirk, the last time we talked to you, you admitted to having slept with your best friend’s, Leonard McCoy’s mother.”

 

_“YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!”_ Was heard once again from near the spotlight and what Kirk knew as Mettaton’s personal booth.

 

Kirk sighed and said “That’s true.”

 

“Right, and just to remind our viewers and readers,” Mettaton said as he looked into your screen, be it T.V, computer or whatever appliance you’re using to read this, “This show wouldn’t have been possible without the Captain’s help. If he hadn’t hailed our fair planet and asked if he could send a group to the planet’s surface, why, we wouldn’t be talking to each other.”

 

“That’s correct,” Kirk said, teeth grinding.

 

“So, James-”

 

_“Jim_ ,” Kirk corrected.

 

“James, _so much more royal,_ what dirty little secret do you have in store for us next?” Mettaton asked through fluttered lashes.

 

Jim grit his teeth and bit down on his humiliation as he said “I once had a sex dream involving Old Spock and Present Spock.”

 

A squeal was heard from the audience and Jim couldn’t see due to the spotlight but he was pretty sure it was Sulu crying against his restraints.

 

He glared at everyone, daring someone to comment as he stabbed the spaghetti and swallowed down the soggy, half frozen, bitter mess as it burned his throat and the worms tried to curl around his teeth.

 

Mettaton smiled wickedly and Jim had to curb the impulse of punching the robot in the face.

 

Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t, a fact his handcuffed arm reminded him as he straightened his back in his bolted chair.

 

“Right, so now we will be taking a break-”

 

**_“Indefinitely!”_** Cried out an unfamiliar voice.

 

Well, unfamiliar to Jim because whoever that voice belonged to apparently put the fear of _God_ in Mettaton, according to his face.

 

“Turn the cameras off-turn them-T _oriel!_ So nice to see you, my Queen,” Mettaton hissed before he whirled around to face a goat(?)

 

“Mettaton, what is this?” Toriel demanded to know.

 

“It’s...It’s not what it looks like?” Mettaton answered sheepishly.

 

Toriel tsked disapprovingly and said “Mettaton, Humans are not our toys, release them.”

 

 

 

Apparently that’s all it took, much to Jim’s frustration. 

 

Mettaton released them all and Toriel apologized profusely, a feat Mettaton _did no_ t partake in. Papyrus was just happy someone had eaten his food, in fact, he wasn’t even put off when Ambassador Mulaney promptly threw up as soon as he was released. Kirk got to find out that his crew was fine, Uhura had apparently been talking about ponytails with the scientist Alphys’ girlfriend the whole time they’d been held captive. Chekov and Sulu also wanted to adopt a ghost, or something, Kirk found out.

 

 

Some other things Kirk found out were less pleasant.

 

“It appears the good doctor use to box in his youth,” Spock noted.

 

“It appears so,” Jim retorted, wincing as felt the beginning of a black eye.

 

“You did sleep with his mother,” Spock pointed out as the crew said their goodbyes to the Ruins’ civilians.

 

Ensign Frisk was now amongst said civilians as they had agreed to oversee the Federation’s oncoming colony on the Ruins.

 

It probably helped  that the Aliens adored them.

 

“Don’t worry, Spock, your mom’s safe from my grasp,” Jim snorted, tone self deprecating.

 

A weird expression flitted across Spock’s face before his features smoothed out and he said “It’s not my _mother_ I worry about.”

 

_ Oh cherry on top of this shit show. _

 

“W _ow, tell me Spock, good ole Spock, whose virtue do you think I’m gonna take now? Who else am I gonna ruin, huh?_ ” Jim asked coldly as he turned to look at him.

 

Spock frowned as if considering his words carefully before he said “The robot and my Skeleton warden said I was chosen as the prisoner/prize because you’re in love with me.”

 

Kirk choked on his saliva because **_no, to the grave-_**

 

“But before I was forced into my prison, I argued this illogical. You, James T. Kirk, when you feel something, you always express it. Be it happiness, sadness, or anger, you let it be known, you always say it. You, Captain, more than any human I have ever known, show your emotions without fail.”

 

Already Kirk could feel his pulse quicken and then he said _“Spock-”_

 

“Especially since we are such good friends, you know me well enough to know I do not enjoy being the last to know something, so you wouldn’t keep something of such magnitude from me; Correct?” Spock asked, glare burning into the side of Kirk’s face.

 

“Um...well, _you see-_ ” Kirk said before making a break for it.

 

_“JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK, YOU DID NOT-”_  Jim heard bellowed behind him but he didn’t turn to look because he could pretty much imagine the furious Vulcan he was ridiculously in love with chasing him so he could strangle him.

 

_Well ,one peek_ , Jim laughed to himself, giddy as he turned around.

  
  
_ Fin. _


End file.
